The sensation of your toes curling in and out. Anxiety pulsing through you entire body. You can feel your breath stop. No air entering your lungs. Memories flooding in, of better times, of worse times, of times when you felt something.
You stare at your screen. Reading the words, over and over again. Your fingers are too cold to reply, suddenly, but the rest of you is overheated, full of panic. Desperation as you slowly begin to sink into reality from your memories again. You need to save this. It can't happen again, please, not again. Anything but this.
You're so introverted. You can't talk to anyone. You feel so intensely but it's been pushed back. Thinking in images, memories that explain to you the future before your eyes. Yet now, even though you could feel it coming on, you can't believe it. There's no logic, no reasoning. Ridiculous attempts to try and save what's being severed without your consent.
Your heart races. What did you do this time? You're aware that everything is your fault. You have good intentions. You only pushed away your feelings to help others. And you were good at it. You were really good at it. You didn't need any attention or affection. You just needed them to stay.
But god, it's happening again. You feel the formula coming back around. But you can't hear their voice saying it. You never can. It feels forced and abnormal, cold as the "it wasn't you" is said, as always. But is that true? Maybe it was you.
Its so cold. You know the air conditioning doesn't work. Your room is overheated. Why are you cold?
The sorry feels fake. And unnecessary. You don't blow up. You state the truth, perhaps with some sadness and anger visible. But what does text do? You can't see them, can hear them. There's no body language for you to read. Nothing to analyze. How do they feel? How do they really feel?
But they say the same thing. "You wouldn't understand". You feel the anger building up. Rage, even. Everything was explained to you. The feelings, the past, the thoughts and desires they all had. You gave them advice, you counseled them. But it's been forgotten, apparently. You continue to get colder.
They all underestimate you. Always. Because you don't show emotion, they assume you don't have any. Damn you for being an empath. Damn you for understanding and going through the same thing. Damn you for feeling anything.
Damn them for assuming they know you. Damn them for assuming they know how you feel. Damn them for everything that's about to be forgotten and left behind. Because you never left anyone behind. You were anxious, but you never purposely abandoned anyone, never cut ties when you know someone needed it.
Maybe it is your fault. You didn't show emotion. No one knew you needed it. And no one ever will. All you wanted was a friend. Someone who wouldn't leave you alone. Because you're so alone, so empty and cold and broken by this world who has no time or patience for people who are quiet. People who are silenced.
The goodbye is short, and the silence leaves you feeling numb. And finally, the tears you've been letting build up for three years spill out on the desk in front of you, on the art expressing emotions no one will ever see.
Because you felt. And no one will ever know that. But you? You can never let yourself forget. This is no exception. You've never forgotten anyone.
You never will.
Listening to: I wish numb was an option
Reading: Feelings don't have good enough words
Watching: To describe them
Playing: But I guess it's my fault
Eating: I'm a goner
Drinking: Somebody catch my breath